8/1/20 4:47 AM: The lightning woke me up about an hour ago, and here I am still. Awake. Watching the sky light up while filled with anxiety. I usually like thunderstorms, but this one feels different. The sound of thunder is unaccompanied. There are no raindrops hitting our roof or pelting our window. There is no rain, just lightning. The fire danger is high. I know that any moment, a fire can start. Maybe it will start off small, but I know a windy day in the coming weeks can take that small fire and spin it out of control.
Peace be still.
I just counted 15 strikes in the last 30 seconds. These storms usually last less than thirty minutes at most. How is this still continuing? My firefighter husband lies next to me in bed. Fast asleep. He has been my rock lately and vice versa. I can’t stomach the thought of sending him out to a fire. Not now. I need him. But I know that at any moment the phone can ring, and he could be gone for weeks. I’m not ready for that. Not now.
Peace be still.
I start preparing a mental checklist. If there is a fire and we have to evacuate, what will we take -Hard drives of photos, Grandma’s quilts, Grandpa’s paintings, our file cabinet, our computers, our cats. Is that it? I think so.. Everything else can be replaced right? Where will we go? I don’t have an answer for that one.
Peace be still.
I don’t want to fear the storm.
Josh didn’t fear the storm. The first night of his time here in Glacier, we had him over for dinner. The previous weekend, we had been out driving in a bad storm. Like I said, I usually love storms. The lightning, the rainbows, the dynamic light. But during that storm, my vehicle- once again- was hit by rocks during a storm. This was the second time this has happened -the first totaled my vehicle in Zion. This time- not much damage. But still, it had me rethinking my storm loving ways. Reconsidering if it was wise to go continue going out in them.
I don't want to fear the storm.
As we were eating dinner, a severe weather alert came through on my phone. We had planned to maybe drive to the North Fork or Hungry Horse after dinner. Suddenly I envisioned downed trees and rockfalls and I told Josh that I didn’t feel comfortable going out. It was only supposed to be a short storm -lasting maybe an hour. And then the rest of the night it would be clear. A full moon later on. But I didn't wanna risk it. Josh went home to prepare for a solo full moon hike later on and then head out into the storm. I cleaned up the kitchen and thought about it. Why was I suddenly afraid again? Did I not trust the Lord to keep me safe? Did I not trust in his plan and perfect timing? Why was I allowing a few rocks to steal the joy I had always previously found being out in a storm?
I don't want to be afraid.
We decided to go out. We picked up Josh on our way. We spent the whole evening watching lightning down on Highway Two. We talked about this summer. Josh talked about how he knew he was here for a reason. How it was going to be a big summer. God was going to use him to change lives. He just knew it. He was right.
Peace Be Still.
Writing is how I process things. Always has been. When I can't sleep it's usually because there is something I have to get off my mind. I have been known to send out long rambling emails at 2 AM more than once. That's the case now. But this time, there is so much to process. Where do I begin? I am distracted by my cat Kintla climbing over me to get to the windowsill above my pillow. She sits and stares out observing the lightning. I have heard that most pets hate thunderstorms. But that isn't the case with our girls. They love to observe the lightning streaking across the sky. They don't fear the storm. Why do I?
I'm not gonna fear the storm. You are greater than it's roar.
The Sunday before Josh passed, I attended what would be his final service serving with A Christian Ministry in the National Parks (ACMNP). Only we didn't know it at the time. The sermon was about Peter walking on water. About trusting in the Lord even when the storm comes. It was an appropriate sermon given what we had all been going through together, this summer had already been more challenging than most. It would get more so. During the service, Lyndsey played Peace Be Still on her guitar for us. It was the first time I had heard it. As she played, the rain began to fall softly around us. A small storm. But I was moved beyond words at the beauty of the song as rain fell on us. I got goosebumps and my eyes teared up. Less than a week later that sermon and that song were repeated at his funeral. Now the song is echoing over and over again in my mind. I can't get it out of my head. I'm not gonna fear the storm. I'm not gonna fear the storm. These waves are only waves.
Peace Be Still. I'm not gonna fear the storm.
What am I still doing in bed? It's almost sunrise. I gotta get out there. I know it's going to be a good one, stormy sunrises are always the most beautiful.
8/1/20 6:45 AM: As soon as I got in the car I turned the song on. Peace Be Still. The tears that had been brimming, but had not flowed since he died finally came. Ugly sobs. I felt overwhelmed with so many things. Loss. Confusion. Sadness. Anger. Gratitude. Hope. Love -God's powerful love.
and then. Peace.
Peace Be Still. You are here, so it is well.
I put the car in drive and headed out to the lake. As soon as I entered the park, the rain droplets hit my windshield. Turns out, there was rain after all. I planned to arrive at the lake and watch sunrise from the comfort and safety of my vehicle. I was not prepared for the crowds. They usually aren't here at 5:30 AM. I guess we all knew it was going to be good. There was not a place for me to park and watch from the car. So I reluctantly got out of the car. I stood on the shore of the lake and watched the waves crash. Felt the rain on my skin. Observed the lightning overhead. And I knew I was safe. I knew I was protected. I knew I was loved. Just as I know Josh is.
Even when my eyes can't see, I will trust the voice that speaks peace over me.
I tried to capture some lightning with camera with minimum success. I notice the battery is dying and go to the car to retrieve my spare battery. It isn't there. My camera bag is also not there. In my haste they were forgotten. Time to just observe, save the battery, and wait for the beauty that is sure to follow the storm. It always does.
You are here so it is well.
Sure enough, the sun comes. It comes right as the rain drops are the biggest and the heaviest. I don't mind. The effect is gorgeous. It is one I have only seen once before -while I was on the clock at Grand Teton and only had my phone. This time, I could capture it. I could share it. The lightning is still here. In fact, as I write this it is still here. Going on three hours now with frequent occurance. Pretty unusual for a mountain thunderstorm. But I don't mind. I'm not gonna fear the storm. It's time for me to go back to sleep.
Peace be still.
Peace. I am still.
Peace Be Still
I don't wanna be afraid Every time I face the waves I don't wanna be afraid I don't wanna be afraid And I don't wanna fear the storm Just because I hear it roar I don't wanna fear the storm I don't wanna fear the storm
Peace be still Say the word and I will Set my feet upon the sea 'Til I'm dancing in the deep Peace be still You are here so it is well Even when my eyes can't see I will trust the voice that speaks
I'm not gonna be afraid 'Cause these waves are only waves I'm not gonna be afraid No, I'm not gonna be afraid And I'm not gonna fear the storm You are greater than it's roar Oh, I'm not gonna fear the storm No, I'm not gonna fear at all
Peace be still Say the word and I will Set my feet upon the sea 'Til I'm dancing in the deep Peace be still You are here so it is well Even when my eyes can't see I will trust the voice that speaks
Peace, peace over me You speak peace Let faith rise up Oh, heart believe Let faith rise up in me And let faith rise up Oh, heart believe Let faith rise up in me Let faith rise up Oh, heart believe Let faith rise up in me
Let faith rise up Oh, heart believe Let faith rise up in me
Peace be still Say the word and I will Set my feet upon the sea 'Til I'm dancing in the deep Oh, peace be still You are here so it is well Even when my eyes can't see I will trust the voice that speaks
Peace, peace over me I hear You speaking Peace, peace over me
Oh, peace Over me You speak peace You speak peace Over me You speak peace You speak peace You speak peace